FATTY BOYS CLUB

It can get a bit annoying sitting in a room and watching a bunch of women swap tales of their fad diets. Actually, scrap that, it is incredibly irritating, especially for someone who has tried them all. Weight watchers, Atkins, Vegetarianism, Carb Curfew, Glycaemic index, Slim fast, Calorie counter and even laxative popping.
But, it becomes perplexing and intriguing watching men do the same. I always thought men had a little extra will power. To be honest half the time the belly bulge is really down to special brews and what has now been categorised in the new food group as “Swallows”. All thanks to the “Mama Calabars” across the nation.

I was in attendance at an official meeting with two guys and a passing comment about one of the attendees decrease in waist pouch led to much more revelation than I imagined, becoming a pre- conference slash seminar to our actual meeting. He revealed that he had been taking a pill that cost 40 thousand naira (per pill). Apparently, the duty of the pill was to exterminate the stomach of all its excess gases and rid the colon of any left over impurities. This would be the cleansing before the meal replacement milkshakes. Of course in the milkshakes were fibre pellets which dissolve in the fluid and act as a filler to suppress your appetite. Don’t forget in biology class, we were always taught that the role of fibre in nutrition was to enable bowel evacuation. I suppose a more intellectual way of saying self induced diarrhoea.

I could have just told him, just go on a juice and fruit fast if you were really serious about the detox, or take it old school with a jerry can of Ugu juice.(nothing like increasing the iron content in the blood ey). That already gives you 40k in your savings account. As for the shake, eat a meal that is equivalent to the amount of calories in the milkshake. That way you don’t feel like you are starving yourself. The weight is not guaranteed to stay of permanently, but it’s a start.


The other guy said he had been drinking some Chinese tea that tasted a bit unsavoury and wasn’t agreeing very well with his stomach. I guess he realised he couldn’t really be as productive from a toilet bowl. Though this all went on for a few more minutes, I uncovered that all the men at the office were part of a “ waist pouch crew” and were on a very desperate mission to rid themselves of their misery. It seemed like a fat boys support care club. A lot like the “plus size anonymous” girls meeting. I heard that they had tried drinking some concoctions from the “Iya l’agbo” down the road, they had a brief stab at the 40 grand pill but became that became too expensive a sacrifice, they did glasses of freshly squeezed lime juice as they had been informed that the citric acid of the lime emulsified fat and some how the body magically passed it out. They also tried stem ginger juice, copious mounts of green tea and they had now moved on to a new one called “The Fat Flush”. With the “Fat Flush”, they would dissolve a strange granular substance which mimicked miniature pebbles of rock sea salt in warm water. Something told me they had been duped with Epsom salts as their miracle solvent.

This again like the 40k pill would be the cleanser. Then the diet will be followed up with another cheap cocoa powder tasting fibrous milkshake. The shake looked revolting like Garri that had been soaking in a Bounvita looking drink. It all never made any difference because they just simply ate too much and couldn’t stay off the booze. I mean, what was the best way to spend your day away from a nagging wife and your attention seeking Rugrats than a bit of male bonding and drenching yourself in booze. As sad or desperate as it all seemed, I kept telling them, “it will never work and if it actually does, it’s only temporary”. Get rid of the fried food, the booze, a lot less of “Swallows”, the excessive carnivorous dietary habit and get of your backside and do some physical activity. But hey, I am really not the prototype to give dietary advice now am i. They might just have to keep punching that extra hole in the Louis Vuitton belt.