Monday, 10 August 2009

15 commandments for putting your man on “lock down” – Naija style… By Wana Udobang and NK Aniebo

In the past we’ve heard all the do’s and dont’s of how a man should be and should not be treated. Some of them are common things we all know, some of them are things you find out as a result of one or more failed relationships. If you find yourself evaluating previous relationships, and wondering what you should done or not done, this commandments are the perfect guide as to how to handle your man in future relationships… keep and open-mind, life is not that serious so have a laff....
NB: These commandments are strictly for SINGLE females dating SINGLE men. All those dating married ARISTOS, sorry we are unable to offer our services to you at this point but feel free to refer to our 1st and 2nd edition of how to be the perfect naija wifey, sum tips might be useful to y’all.
1. Thou shall be very dependent on your dude…Ensure you collect money for your credit, hair/nails, personal upkeep and of course the 10 percent monthly due for the cost of being a girlfriend. This monthly due can come before or after he pays his tights. Allow him pay for all your outings, including outing with your girlfriends. All those independent “I pay my own bills” babes, foggerrit…the guy will nicely take advantage of your “niceness”
2. Thou shall not waste credit on your man…ensure he calls you all the time and when he fails to call, make sure you give him a lecture on how your friend’s boyfriend calls her all the time…and she doesn’t even use the 10k per week credit he buys for her…don’t forget to add that he needs to act like a MAN. That would surely get his blood pumping
3. Thou shall be a long fings babe… they say the chase is better than the catch… put the nigger on some serious long fings yeh… no sex, no excessive hanging out, no PDA, no family and close friends introduction, no sleepovers. Keep him in the dark as much as possible
4. Thou shall not do excessive phone calls…all those 247 talks, texting and BB pinging is a relationship breaker… Ignore calls throughout the day, and if you must answer calls keep the conversation to 2-3 sentences (ps- ignore any subsequent txt asking you what is wrong).
5. Thou shall not ask questions like “do you still like me ” or “do you miss me” “what are we doing” “where is this relationship going” “are you ready to get married” – this will make you seem like a very desperate attention seeker…
6. Thou shall deny being his GF in public… warn him in advance to NEVER introduce you as his GF – that way if he turns to have another GF, you wont be disgraced.
7. Thou shall not take taxi or bus when your BF has a car. Ensure you use up his fuel and energy as mush as you can.
8. Thou shall not be sensitive…quit sending all those romantic text messages, early morning “I miss u” phone calls… or “you complete me”...this will surely lead to the demise of your relationship
9. Thou shall be a nagging peperempe/serenren girlfriend…look as hot as possible and nagg as much as you can, this will surely keep your man on a lock down. PS 100k Brazilian weave is a must. Do not attempt using highly flammable “Darling Yakee” products.
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11. Thou shall not allow him play video games during hangout sessions. He can do such nonsense in his personal time
12. Thou shall not let him know too much information about your life or past…you must show that he should work hard to earn you trust. All that being an open book rubbish will not get you anywhere. It just makes you look like you have serious issues
13. Thou shall ensure that there is still an ex-boyfriend lurking behind plus others on the queue…he has to understand that you are hot commodity in very high demand. Plus actually you are stepping down your P to be with him. If he doesn’t realize that being with you in what makes him shine, then sturves aint right
14. Thou should ensure that he is doing everything you want and bending over backwards….ie birthday presents, Christmas presents, spontaneous presents and any present presentable …..simply because ultimately you are worrrrrrrrrrrrrritt…
15. Now this is the penultimate….if you break this commandment, there is a likelihood that you might be single sometime soon. However if you break it consecutively you will actually be lonely for the rest of your life. Infact you are finished..
Just don’t say we didn’t tell you…though they say good girls go to heaven, bad girls go everywhere